It's that time of year again when you tell your crush you love them or even go so far as to pop the question and make the biggest mistake of your life. Love is in the air in February along with the smell of sweat because it's so damn hot. Valentine's Day can be a dangerous time and high expectations can lead to disappointment. As we fast approach the heart date I'll be providing you with a few warnings in regards to many aspects of the evil holiday, starting with gifts.
When buying a present for that special someone you must be very careful about what that gift is going to say. For example a gym member ship tells your lover that you think they look fat. Let's continue...
Chocolates are a classic gift often stuffed into heart shaped boxes to mark the occasion but be warned the wrong candy can often break a relationship. Peanuts are deadly to some of those people that die when they eat them, make sure you know your lover will be okay if they consume nuts of any kind. A corpse can't love and they won't be replying to your sexts any time soon.
The other problem with chocolates is the bands. Stay clear of cheap names like Cunch or Bertie Beetles, because while these chocolates are cute she will know these cost very little, making you look cheap. Try and find high-shelf candy and remember that while Toblerones may have been exotic back in the 90's now days you'll find them floating in those cheap and tacky mixed packs bums bring to parties.
Another mistake is to buy something for the house, the biggest being those scented sticks that make the house smell like a pine tree or at least what a scientist thinks a pine tree smells like. When you give these scented sticks you send with them a message that tells your lover you think their house stinks.
People in general are very touchy about their bathrooms as it is, this is why we clean them before major events where people will be sharing our toilet. A gift of scented sticks says "you have a stinky ass and even with the window open that smell of your mess lingers in the air offending my nose". You should stay well clear of these stupid stick things. However, if Oprah Winfrey has had the scented sticks on her Favorite Things show they will make the perfect gift with all negatives subtracted. In fact this rule works with almost anything on Oprah's show. As long as Oprah Winfrey approves it a bitch will like anything.
Finally I would like to tell you about jewelery, in particular Pandora charms. Girls love this charm collection bullshit and its one big trap. You can't just buy any charm as it has to remind her of something special. This is how it works: you buy a boat charm if the pair of you met on a boat for example. Don't just pick anything or she'll call you on it and be asking "Why the fuck did you buy this Lizard Charm? Am I a Lizard!".
A side note about these stupid charms. Don't buy cheap Chinese imports off of eBay as they're almost always rusty old screws or lead based knock offs that will give her lead poisoning.
Be safe this Valentine's Day and don't fuck up.
When buying a present for that special someone you must be very careful about what that gift is going to say. For example a gym member ship tells your lover that you think they look fat. Let's continue...
Chocolates are a classic gift often stuffed into heart shaped boxes to mark the occasion but be warned the wrong candy can often break a relationship. Peanuts are deadly to some of those people that die when they eat them, make sure you know your lover will be okay if they consume nuts of any kind. A corpse can't love and they won't be replying to your sexts any time soon.
The other problem with chocolates is the bands. Stay clear of cheap names like Cunch or Bertie Beetles, because while these chocolates are cute she will know these cost very little, making you look cheap. Try and find high-shelf candy and remember that while Toblerones may have been exotic back in the 90's now days you'll find them floating in those cheap and tacky mixed packs bums bring to parties.
Another mistake is to buy something for the house, the biggest being those scented sticks that make the house smell like a pine tree or at least what a scientist thinks a pine tree smells like. When you give these scented sticks you send with them a message that tells your lover you think their house stinks.
People in general are very touchy about their bathrooms as it is, this is why we clean them before major events where people will be sharing our toilet. A gift of scented sticks says "you have a stinky ass and even with the window open that smell of your mess lingers in the air offending my nose". You should stay well clear of these stupid stick things. However, if Oprah Winfrey has had the scented sticks on her Favorite Things show they will make the perfect gift with all negatives subtracted. In fact this rule works with almost anything on Oprah's show. As long as Oprah Winfrey approves it a bitch will like anything.
Finally I would like to tell you about jewelery, in particular Pandora charms. Girls love this charm collection bullshit and its one big trap. You can't just buy any charm as it has to remind her of something special. This is how it works: you buy a boat charm if the pair of you met on a boat for example. Don't just pick anything or she'll call you on it and be asking "Why the fuck did you buy this Lizard Charm? Am I a Lizard!".
A side note about these stupid charms. Don't buy cheap Chinese imports off of eBay as they're almost always rusty old screws or lead based knock offs that will give her lead poisoning.
Be safe this Valentine's Day and don't fuck up.
No comments:
Post a Comment