My Red Friend

This morning a new screen shot was released from the Portal 2 office at Valve which has shocked the  Portal community to its core. We all remember our love for the little pink companion cube from the first game but now we are introduced to her red friend, the communist cube.

It is unclear how this will be used in the game and why the team at Valve have taken this new approach. Fans either love it or hate it and the image is rocking the foundation for the sequels release. Perhaps the image was released so it could be removed if too much bad press hits the studio.

The top rumor as to the red cubes role in the game is that "the communist cube is going to be a spy for GLaDOS". Since Value didn't release any news with the screen shot anyone's guess could be right and until we're playing the game we'll just have to wait.

Monocacy Mustache

Last week the royal family attended a lighthearted costume ball to raise money for AIDS treatment clinics in Africa. The night involved a dinner, a charity auction of royal memorabilia (mostly Princess Diana memorial plates) and finished with a dance.

The night was a huge success with just over £40,000 being raised. Along with the fine food and grand dance floor to enjoy the Royals also came dressed to put a smile on the faces of those African children, although no black children where invited a few photos were taken and sent to the children of Africa to put a smile on their faces later. The winner of "best dressed" went to the Queen herself for her Magnum, P.I. costume.

The Queen stated in her acceptance speech that she was a huge Tom Selleck fan and loved the character Thomas Magnum, a private investigator living in Hawaii. She said she was disappointed that the show has yet to have a Blu-Ray release with "special features up the mother-fucking walls".

The Queen had such a wonderful time she is already planning two more events in the future with an Undead themed ball and a Big Lebowski/ blowing themed event. She has already stated that she plans to go to the Undead Ball as Queen Sophie-Anne from the HBO series True Blood.

Again all money raised will be going to aid relief in Africa.

Valentine's Day Warnings: Gifts

It's that time of year again when you tell your crush you love them or even go so far as to pop the question and make the biggest mistake of your life. Love is in the air in February along with the smell of sweat because it's so damn hot. Valentine's Day can be a dangerous time and high expectations can lead to disappointment. As we fast approach the heart date I'll be providing you with a few warnings in regards to many aspects of the evil holiday, starting with gifts.

When buying a present for that special someone you must be very careful about what that gift is going to say. For example a gym member ship tells your lover that you think they look fat. Let's continue...


Chocolates are a classic gift often stuffed into heart shaped boxes to mark the occasion but be warned the wrong candy can often break a relationship. Peanuts are deadly to some of those people that die when they eat them, make sure you know your lover will be okay if they consume nuts of any kind. A corpse can't love and they won't be replying to your sexts any time soon.

The other problem with chocolates is the bands. Stay clear of cheap names like Cunch or Bertie Beetles, because while these chocolates are cute she will know these cost very little, making you look cheap. Try and find high-shelf candy and remember that while Toblerones may have been exotic back in the 90's now days you'll find them floating in those cheap and tacky mixed packs bums bring to parties.

Another mistake is to buy something for the house, the biggest being those scented sticks that make the house smell like a pine tree or at least what a scientist thinks a pine tree smells like. When you give these scented sticks you send with them a message that tells your lover you think their house stinks.

People in general are very touchy about their bathrooms as it is, this is why we clean them before major events where people will be sharing our toilet. A gift of scented sticks says "you have a stinky ass and even with the window open that smell of your mess lingers in the air offending my nose". You should stay well clear of these stupid stick things. However, if Oprah Winfrey has had the scented sticks on her Favorite Things show they will make the perfect gift with all negatives subtracted. In fact this rule works with almost anything on Oprah's show. As long as Oprah Winfrey approves it a bitch will like anything.


Finally I would like to tell you about jewelery, in particular Pandora charms. Girls love this charm collection bullshit and its one big trap. You can't just buy any charm as it has to remind her of something special. This is how it works: you buy a boat charm if the pair of you met on a boat for example. Don't just pick anything or she'll call you on it and be asking "Why the fuck did you buy this Lizard Charm? Am I a Lizard!".

A side note about these stupid charms. Don't buy cheap Chinese imports off of eBay as they're almost always rusty old screws or lead based knock offs that will give her lead poisoning.

Be safe this Valentine's Day and don't fuck up.

Star Wars: Attack of the Heels

George Lucas loves to edit his films, in fact he loves editing his films so much he seams to put out a new edit every few years. We all remember arguing "who shot first?" when a new edit of A New Hope had Greedo fire his blaster a few seconds before Han. The Star Wars community drew a line in the sand as Lucas had rewritten history and changed the story.

That was a few years ago now and nobody who had a job really cared what the answer turned out to be. However, George is at it again and while this time he hasn't edited the film he has flipped the Star Wars universe up-side-down with a shocking behind-the-scenes picture of a female Greedo.

This one photo changed the way we see Greedo and Han forever. Han Solo the cool smuggler and captain of the Millenium Falcon is now a cold blooded lady killer who has been lowered to the ranks of Young Anakin Skywalker, the kind of guys who kill women, children and other helpless weak creatures. Greedo as a lady changes everything and now that you know, you will never forget.

Since the Greedo in heels scandal cast and crew alike have been recalling their time with Lucas on the set of Star Wars, later to be known as A New Hope. Other people working along side the crazy director have spoken out about the mad and bad ideas of George Lucas as they had to convince him that he was making a transsexual space adventure that would alienate 1970's audiences. George wanted Luke's journey to becoming a Jedi to also include a sex change operation while scenes involving hard core bondage in the bar on Tatooine had to be removed.

More photos have surfaced of the wild times during filming, including a photo where Lucas himself is seen sporting his own hot stilettos.

Mark Hamill recalls trying to ask Lucas why he would continue to turn up on set in high heels or other times when dressed in a mini skirt and boob tube, but George would only reply with "I'm a film maker not a math teacher." which only confused Mark Hamill. Mark also noted times when Lucas would stare are blue and green paint samples as he tried to imagine ways they could be used in the set. Lucas originally wanted only blue and green colours to be used for every prop, backdrop and costume but was talked into making just the light sabers those colours.

Harrison Ford also had problems with Lucas however admitted that the mini skirt was much cooler to film in then the hot and sweaty Storm-trooper outfit.


While Lucas was never able to see his dreams fully realized he did manage to put the Jedi in robes that look much like dresses in his eyes and for that he was grateful.

Little Adolf and His Amazing Yoyo Trick Show!

When we think of Adolf Hitler we recall the politician, the soldier, the artist, the writer but very few will remember Adolf Hitler the performer. Hitler often performed for his troops before large scale invasions and as seen in the picture below he was quite skilled in the sport of yo-yoing. 

He would often perform his show "The Amazing Führer: With Astonish Yo-yo Feats!" not only to troops but also before meetings with Generals and often after signing peace treaties to celebrate new friendships.

And his shows drew crowds. Hitler was know for a few of his trademark tricks including Rock the Baby, Rattle Snake, Eiffel Tower and Brain Twister. However his most popular move which was often performed as his second encore was Around The World and Triple Around The World.

In the days before his death it was rumored that Hitler was trying to perfect the 4x Around The World to be performed during his next tour.

History will choose to remember the monster but do try to remember the yo-yo trick master, as so few do.

If you would like to learn how to be a skilled yo-yo master most professionals recommend Mein Kampf which has many of Hitlers most popular tricks along with yo-yoing tips for beginners and professionals alike.

Dead President's Secret Lives!

Ronald Wilson Reagan was the 40th President of the United States and the inspiration to one of the greatest time traveler jokes of all time. He appeared in a number of movies and TV series including his most memorable role as the host of the Startime show.

However not much was known about the ex-presidents life style as he rarely left the white house and was somewhat of a recluse. Now shock photos have been found of a free-and-easy transsexual Reagan.

Along with the photo a secret diary was also found which points to a love affair with then Vice President George H. W. Bush. The pair speak of their passionate buggery and times when they were almost caught by Reagan's wife and also by Jimmy Carter while he was looking for office supplies and gold balls he claims were left in the oval office after his time in office.

George H. W. Bush has yet to comment on the photo and the diary however a second much more graphic photo was also found which clearly shows Bush on all fours dressed as a British nanny being spanked with a large salmon by Reagan.


It is now clear why America is so fixed on the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy.

Bottom of the Barrel

Greetings,

The world is full of random crap, stupid shit and now variety poop! Here you'll find a wide range of dumb and pointless excrement that I don't hold to any standard.

If you enjoy below average humor and pointless waste matter discharged from the body... I believe you'll crack a smile when browsing my variety poop.

Now behold the might stench of Variety Poop's first shitty post as I present Avatar/Jesus.

 

Avatar God sent his only Avatar Jesus Son to Avatar where Avatar Jesus had to fight with the Avatar against the Avatar Killing Soldiers. All of Avatar helped the Avatar and Avatar Jesus in the battle for Avatar. The Avatar Lizard Bird helped in the sky while the Avatar Rhinoceros' helped on the ground. The Avatar Black Cat also gave a paw in the Avatar War and I'm sure Avatar Creatures from the sea helped fight any Avatar Killing Soldiers in the ocean. When Avatar Jesus died, he died as a man and not an Avatar so everyone was forgiven by Avatar God and Avatar God said, "Yo, I will forgive thee for killing my Avatar Son but I cannot let you live here on Avatar. Return to your own planet and mine for crystals there." and before the Avatar Killing Soldiers left on their air ships and space pods Avatar God said "And for real, don't try this shit again on Avatar or any of the Avatar Moons or I'll send my bad ass ninja Avatar Daughter to put you dogs down. Avatar God out." and with that the Avatar Killing Soldiers left planet Avatar in their search for more rare deposits of minerals and natural gasses on other non-Avatar planets in the depths of space.

Thank you for listening to my fecula retelling of the story of Avatar Jesus and The One Ring.

Till next time, keep the toilet bowl clean... but not so clean that you forget about Variety Poop.

PS. If you have not already bookmarked this blog make sure you poo... do! dodo!!!